Monday, May 19, 2008

Nailed Again

Well for starters it is very obvious to me just looking at my blog dates that I have been down for the count more than not.

For the record, the past three days were productive. Although, each day began with morbid headache and spinal pain.

Today, was another matter. I don't understand any of this. It is 100 degree warm sunny weather. The heat usually helps me. And, the level of pain and dysfunction that I am experiencing today is the worst that I can think of let alone remember.

Now 6 hours into the day and medicated to the gills, I am finally on my feet. Whoopdeedoo.

I know catastrophe's such as the 50,000 deaths in the recent China earthquake are devestating to their families and friend... and to the world. But honestly, today is one of those days that I find myself hard pressed to find a reason why I should be here. I'm tired of this. I'm sick of this.

As many of you know I laugh a lot and have a good time most of the time. Well, most of the time, "that you see me". That's the key phrase.

I have so many projects and things I want to accomplish and I feel myself slipping away from them. My music studio gear is stowed and I am not physically up to dragging all of that out and jacking it up so I can fiddle with some music. I can hear the music in my headache ridden skull. The sweetness of music never tarnishes in my mind and heart regardless of the pain and chaos that may be burying me at the time.

Last night I talked with an online friend in Australia. Her son recently was injured and sustained brain trauma. I'm not sure at this time that even the medical community is sure what his problems are. It's too soon. But my heart goes out to her and her family who are now having to cope with, "this new person they used to know" and I personally know how hard it is.

Today I am having an extremely HARD time. And it doesn't go away. It keeps coming back and this is a hell that I would not wish for anyone to have to live with. I lose over 50% of my life to this nonsense. And I gave up trying to count the days, months and years a long time ago.

On another note, I know there are times when I break through the pain and agony as though I was rocketing into the 4th dimension. And, this is very true. But, when I am experiencing these extreme levels of pain and physical dysfunction, I don't yearn for the so-called, "nice days" because even those days begin with some level of morbid headache and I usually wake up stiff like a tin man. Besides the skeletalmuscular problems and advanced arthritis which stems from the trauma sustained in 1993, the level of screaming headaches, occipital nerve pressure and pain, blurred vision, very impaired and/or loss of equilibrium... jeez I haven't even got to the brain part. Sure I can babble and take turns opening my eyes to check my typing. Like talking, I type with my eyes closed to construct sentences. Otherwise any visual input, "distracts" me from my thoughts and writing comes to a halt.

I was 39 when I got hit by that car and now I am 54. In 2000 the neuro-doctors gave me 15 years with the year tumor they found. Of course, I was not willing to live with that so I used a compliment of modalities such as prayer, visualization, positive affirmations, and all that. Two years later when they scanned me the tumor was 80% less. So I spose, there is power in personal home medicine and simply the determination to tell bad things to go away.

Still, that doesn't change the facts and daily reality. My partner Kathy does every thing. I am not totally useless. But, I am usually focused on my projects, whatever they be. Example: today when I woke up, I did the usual spending most of the day just getting onto my feet while still inundated with pain. Kathy had set up the FedEx package pickup, and made arrangements for some banking matters, made coffee and left me a note before she went out. I am very lucky to have someone who gives a shit enough to want to be in my life. Because although it is true that, "I am HappyHarry" WHEN I am, there is a lot of down time. This is where many people get hung up. I'm getting hung up right now writing to you about it.

Brain injuries are a bitch. They are ever-challenging. The are not understandable. And it's nobody's fault. It's a confusing mish-mash of chaos and things that don't make sense. And all the while, everyone on the sidelines must just wait and see. And just maybe, they get their loved one back in the same shape they were in before. I think its fair to say, eventually, much of the original personality of the survivor will return. But, there will be inconsistencies that you are not accustomed to.

Accept and Resist. We are either accepting or resisting. Which are you doing right now? You see I am doing both. I am accepting the pain and sharing with you about this pain in the ass life of mine. And I am also resisting, because I am sick of it and I want out. I've lived a good life and although I have not achieved some of my dreams, you never achieve all of them anyhow. Life isn't THAT long. You grab a hold of what you can and who you can and you ride the waves of life before the rapids run calm.

My Internet is down so I will post this when I can. Today is Monday, May 19, 2008 according to my system tray clock. If not for computers I would not know what day or date, but I usually can say what year it is. Unassisted with any databases of information and the like, I must look up most things or use someone else's brain to jog my memory. And yes, it is great that I have learned how to manipulate that.

Well I am going to slam some coffee and try to beat this. I am fed up with this slow-motion state of affairs. I had plans to finish the Spybot video today/tonite. We'll see.

For more information about brain injury and Mild Traumatic Brain Injury (MTBI) visit my website at and click on MTBI.

Thanks for listening.