Effort

Many people [I think] wonder why people blog, Twitter and post status updates on Facebook. Although I am no expert on this phenomenon, I do understand the dynamics of why blogging is important, as I will attempt to explain here. Effort.

In 1993, I sustained a brain injury during the course of a car vs. motorcycle accident. Since that time, I have battled what seemed to be insurmountable challenges which took great effort to overcome. Today some of this is still true, whereas I still deal with the onslaught of morbid headaches. But, for the most part, I have won the war with headaches.

This past eighteen-months is another story, for I suddenly was stricken with ulnar neuropathy in  both of my arms. This condition appeared with little or no warning. Due to fear, I began scrambling and playing guitar and piano more than I usually would, but it was not helping. And as the days and weeks went by, I was losing ability. Here is where sheer terror began for me.

On January 14th of this year I had my first surgery for ulnar decompression. I've been told the surgery was a success in that, during the surgery they found exactly what was causing the problem. However, while I am recuperating post-surgery, it is very frustrating and disappointing in that I have not regained ability and the numbness and original problem(s) are still present. This faking it until you make it, doesn't work too well with me. Nor am I accepting it very well. Some people might be led to say, "getting old ain't for whimps" and they would be correct. And although there is some accuracy to that statement, it really isn't what is troubling me the most.

Creativity through my hands has always been a huge benefit in my life. And even during the horrendous brain injury experience, I had full use of my hands! Lately, I have even said outloud, "give me a headache any day, but give me my hands back".

A few months ago I began using speech to text translation tools, such as Siri Dictation on my iPad. While this is convenient and works very well, I would be a liar if I said I wasn't upset about the fact that I was needing to use such a tool. I appreciate that this utility is available to me and without question it is helping very much. But, I am not quick to accept needing such a device. There is a part of me that thinks if I accept this to be true, then that sets into motion the possibility of losing ability altogether.

Now months later, I luckily won my battle with depression. And, did so without becoming an alcoholic. Other people who I have spoken to about this condition were not so lucky. It is very trying and takes great emotional effort. It isn't like a challenging job where more energy, time or patience may be required. I have energy, I'm now retired and have time; and contrary to popular belief, I have much more patience than most people give me credit for. But, in this case, they would be right. And perhaps, this would be my first time to admit to my impatience in this matter. I am use to Harry fixing things with record-breaking speed. But, this is not the case now. And, when the thought of your mortality kicks in, then you're in trouble. But again, this is also true. Afterall, I am 59 years of age, and as much as I would like to believe I am 9 years old; the fact is, I am not.

So, with all of this said I am redefining my efforts. Taking clear and concise inventory in order to implement the best choices that I can possibly make now.

In order to refuel my musical vocation, I am having my instruments reworked with hopes of them being able to be easier to play. I have found a new guitar I plan to order which will also help in this quest. I've decided to take another stab at setting up my music studio in a new location, with better tools, better technology and a more realistic attitude with regards to what I expect from my efforts.

Standing back and looking at the big picture, I now see this as the same story that has been unfolding for the past 30 years; this is simply another chapter to that same story. But until very recently, I did not know this. Everything in my life always came to me so easily. Not that everything was given to me in life. But rather, I did not have to expend much effort to do anything. I was smart. I was quick, agile, witty and knew how to navigate everything. Then I grew up [a little bit]. Now I must expend effort too. The same effort every body else must exert every day of their lives. And perhaps this helps me to join the human race all the more. Now I have something more in common with everyone.

Now I must apply effort.